Ok, So I haven't posted in FOREVER, but I don't have time to post. With working 26 hours a week, being at home with Caleb alone for another 30-40 hours a week trying to get housework done and play with him, and then wanting to spend time as a family the rest of the time, blogging is not on my top list of priorities. But as I come closer and closer to Caleb's one year birthday, I have been thinking a lot about the past year, about how he came into the world, what I liked, what I would have changed.
I realized that Alan and I were as prepared as we could have been for Caleb's birth. We trained, I did the exercises, I read as much as I could, I talked to other moms, we were ready. But I still did not have the birth I wanted, not 100%, because of things that were "out of our control".
We were dealing with a nursing staff who was kind and considerate, but not experienced in unmedicated, no intervention births. We should have had a doula, not so much to help me with contractions and relaxing, but to be an experienced person in the room when it came to natural birth. We will have one next time around. We know better now.
We had a great birthplan. Very detailed but concise. We got the ok for pretty much everything we wanted, but in the end, we had a lot of things happen that took away from our experience.
To start, I had to have a Hep lock. I understand their reasoning, kind of. But I guess I figure that these are medical professionals and if they can't place an IV quickly in an emergency, what kind of nurses are they. So next time, no hep lock for me.
We had electronic monitoring more than we wanted. I asked for no electronic monitoring but they seemed to weasel around this by saying it's just real quick to start out then they'll take it right off. But I had to keep getting out of the tub to put it back on to see how baby was doing. Next time, I don't want to have to put the whole belt on.
When it was time to push, I had no support. Alan and I didn't know what we were doing. We had practiced the positions, but I was having a hard time knowing how to squat or sit squat and keep my balance and push . I felt it completely in my quads and kept falling over. Instead of helping me, they just said why don't I try a more traditional method. When you've just gone through transition, you say yes to anything. I ended up more on my back than I wanted, and ended up pushing for over 2 hours.
When Caleb was finally born, I was all covered up, I had a gown on, a sheet etc, and they didn't open it up for skin to skin contact. I didn't get that moment of tears and bonding with my baby. I only remember being tired (It was 4:30 in the morning and I was running on 3 hours of sleep from the night before, but still.) I feel like that moment should and could have been better. I had asked to nurse Caleb instead of getting pitocin to deliver the placenta. They got around this one by saying I would hemorrhage if I didn't get the dose of pitocin. I feel like this made me feel even worse as far as bonding with Caleb goes. I don't remember the first time I tried to nurse. I had no support from the staff-- it was not a priority for them. Now, Caleb was tongue tied, and I know this complicated things. But I know it could have been better.
I say all this because I feel we were a prepared couple. We knew what we wanted. We knew what was best for our baby. And still, even with that conviction and being so clear with everything, we still didn't get the experience we wanted. Yes Caleb was born bright eyed and alert. But it's not just about that. It's about the bonding as a mom and baby and as a family that can happen so beautifully with an unmedicated birth, and we lost out on that.
I recently attended a rally for improving birth. It really does have to start with our staff in the hospital. They have to be trained. They have to be open. They have to catch the vision of this. If they aren't on board, it doesn't matter what the mothers want, how much we train, how much we know. This shouldn't be a battle. It should be the norm.
~To my beautiful baby Caleb. I will always remember those black eyes so bright as I looked at them for the first time. You were and are and will always be the love of my heart, the joy of my life.
